In less than two weeks I leave Japan. While certainly sentimental, there are quite a few practical matters that need taken care of before I can leave. Draining the bank account, canceling internet, finishing up work projects, co-op reports, farewell gifts, and of course packing. I hate packing. Why? Well, that’s probably another entire post, but there is one thing that is making it more difficult this time around: our government’s over-zealous and just-for-show aproach to airline security. Thankfully things haven’t reached a point where I have to pack myself in checked luggage, but they’re bad enough that I’ve tried to come up with ways that any of my souvenirs could be construed as dangerous. You never know when they’ll decide I might reign terror with long, pointy chopsticks from my now vast collection. For some clarification, I turned to TSA’s website.
One of the first things I noticed was a link in the sidebar. The Screening Experience. Ah yes, wonderful. It’s no longer a simple process, it’s a whole experience with blissful memories and stories to pass on to your grandchildren. Well, if they insist on that name, I now fully expect Jimmy Hendrix theme music at all security checkpoints. Here’s a quote from the Experience (emphasis mine):
By requiring all passengers to remove shoes for x-ray screening we increase both security and efficiency at the checkpoint.
Are you kidding me? I mean the Japanese are efficient at taking off and putting on shoes, but even they aren’t faster at changing shoes than if they just left them on.
Moving on to the permitted/prohibitted items list for carry-ons. I’d already seen about five notices on the liquid/gel ban just navigating to the page, but in case that wasn’t obvious enough, they felt the need to specifically list another thirty or so liquid/gel items that are prohibited. There are a few that are permitted, like gel-filled bras. Guess they thought adding manditory breast squeezing to The Screening Experience would be a bit overboard. Also permitted, KY Jelly. You know, for all that sex in the lav. Can’t get too kinky though since whipped cream is a no-no. And at the bottom of the list..what’s this? More hate for the shoes. No gel inserts. If I was a shoe, TSA would have a huge discrimination law suit on their hands. It’s the bras that are dangerous! Unrelated to scary things like water, knitting needles are ok, so my chopsticks should be too. And, oh, thank God! I can bring my toy transformers on the plane! And, I’m sorry Mr. Freeman, but you’ll have to leave that crowbar in your checked luggage. “Ok, but don’t blame me when the headcrabs hijack the plane…”
One final thing, a fun suggestion inspired by this comment from above the list:
Please pack liquids, gels, and aerosols in your checked baggage even if you do not normally check a bag.
So next time I’m flying with light luggage, I’ll be sure to check my toothpaste. Just my toothpaste. Or maybe, to make things more interesting, I’ll buy a gel dildo and check just that, in a clear plastic bag if I’m in a good mood.
Your blog doesn’t seem to accept image comments, so…. go here: http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/090406/airline-travel-rules.gif
Hm, image comments. I will look into that.
Well, I could still bring a terrorist since they aren’t items, despite the fact that our government might like to treat them as such. Perhaps they are not the best behaved of humans, but the US has its fair share of moral faults too. Killing innocents in a state sanctioned assault is hardly different from terrorists dropping a plane out of the sky.
Situations in life are not paintings, but rather sculptures that must be viewed from all sides to be fully understood.